The Window of Tolerance: A Tool for Co-Parenting Through Conflict
by Leah Sherman-Collins, MSW, LICSW
Co-parenting in a high-conflict parenting situation can feel overwhelming. As a parent, you are tasked with managing your own emotions, supporting your child(ren)’s emotional needs, and, in some cases, navigating your co-parent’s emotional state.
Parents play a crucial role in building foundational skills that affect your children’s functioning now and through adulthood. Two essential skills are emotion regulation and distress tolerance skills. These are often taught through co-regulation, where the parent models emotion regulation during moments of emotional intensity for your children*.
There are many tools and strategies that can help parents communicate more effectively, even in high-conflict situations. One tool I often recommend to the families I work with is the Window of Tolerance (WOT). This self-monitoring framework helps you identify whether you are in the right state of mind to engage productively with your co-parent.
What is the Window of Tolerance (WOT)?
The concept of the Window of Tolerance was introduced by Daniel Siegel, MD, who described it as the “optimal zone of arousal for a person to function in everyday life**.” Within this zone, we can process information, learn, and engage effectively. This is the ideal state for communication.
Click to enlarge. Photo credit: ptsduk.org
However, outside this optimal zone are two extremes:
Hyper-arousal (commonly known as “fight or flight”) may manifest as anger, anxiety, frustration, or fear.
Hypo-arousal (often referred to as “freeze”) may present as numbness, lethargy, depression, or immobilization.
These states are usually not consciously chosen—they are automatic responses from the brain attempting to manage an overwhelming situation.†
How Life Experiences Impact Your WOT
Your WOT is influenced by both past experiences and current circumstances.
Past Experiences: Chronic stress and trauma can “shrink” the size of your WOT, reducing your capacity to tolerate stress. This makes it easier to be pushed into hyper- or hypo-arousal states. ‡
Current Experiences: Everyday stressors can also affect your WOT. Imagine opening a non-urgent message from your co-parent after sitting in traffic for two hours or receiving a frustrating email from your boss. Your elevated heart rate, clenched jaw, and tense body signal that you’re already teetering on the edges of your WOT.
Acknowledging these factors allows you to create space for more intentional responses. For instance, you might choose to wait a half hour before addressing a message from your co-parent, ensuring you’re within your WOT and better prepared to communicate effectively.
Being outside your WOT may have something, nothing, or everything to do with your co-parent. But the goal is to make sure that you are doing your part to contribute to a healthier co-parenting dynamic, regardless of your co-parent’s actions and communications.
How to Use the WOT in Co-Parenting
While no one communicates perfectly all the time, it’s essential to prioritize effective communication when it comes to your children. Before engaging with your co-parent, especially during transitions, check in with yourself:
“Which zone am I in right now?”
“What do I need to do to get back into my WOT?”
Adults, like children, sometimes need co-regulation to regain balance. This could involve reaching out to a supportive friend, engaging in a calming activity, or taking a break to center yourself before engaging with your co-parent. If you are in the hypo-arousal zone, you may choose to do an activity that gives you more energy, like going on a run or taking a cold shower.
Many co-parents I work with benefit from creating a communication protocol with the help of a parent coach or parent coordinator. These protocols can establish predictability and structure. For example:
Emergency or time-sensitive messages are sent via text or phone call.
Non-urgent messages are sent through email or an app, without immediate notifications.
This system gives you control over when you read non-urgent messages, allowing you to choose a time when you are within your WOT.
Moving Forward
Co-parenting through conflict requires compassion for yourself and for the process.
You won’t always communicate effectively, and that’s okay. What matters is your commitment to showing up for your children and maintaining a focus on what’s in their best interests. By using the Window of Tolerance framework, you can better regulate your emotions, respond intentionally, and create healthier dynamics in your co-parenting relationship.
References
* Paley, B., Hajal, N.J. Conceptualizing Emotion Regulation and Coregulation as Family-Level Phenomena. Clin Child Fam Psychol Rev 25, 19–43 (2022). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10567-022-00378-4
** https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-to-help-your-clients-understand-their-window-of-tolerance/
† https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-to-help-your-clients-understand-their-window-of-tolerance/
‡ https://www.nicabm.com/trauma-how-to-help-your-clients-understand-their-window-of-tolerance/
