The Power of Apologies in Divorce and Parenting: Healing, Growth, and Co-Parenting
Divorce is never easy. It is often not the outcome that individuals have in mind when they say their I Do’s, but it is the outcome for some marriages. It is a complex and emotional process that can bring out the best or worst in individuals. There is a tool that most of us learned as children that can be a catalyst for change in a complicated and challenging separation or divorce: the apology.
It can be hard to apologize, especially in divorce and co-parenting. It can feel counterintuitive to apologize for something you do not believe you did wrong or to be vulnerable in front of someone you may be fighting with within the court system. However, not apologizing can lead to prolonged conflicts, increased stress, and a negative impact on your children. On the other hand, apologies can be viewed as maintaining dignity with your co-parent, working to create healthier relationships and communication, and demonstrating respect for your co-parent that your children can see.
Think about how we raise our children and educate them on apologies. Each family and home is unique, and the way we teach or model to our children may vary. However, the universal message we teach our children is accountability, honesty, and trust. We teach them to say sorry, mean what they say, and move forward with their parent, siblings, and peers. We model this behavior as it will help children navigate emotional regulation, navigating difficult conversations, and relationship healing. If we can teach our children these lessons, we can add these skills to our communication with our co-parents. We can model good behavior and influence our children's understanding of healthy relationships.
What is an effective apology in co-parenting?
Consider an apology a sincere sentiment to someone, simultaneously allowing you to release any resentment or anger toward the person. It can be very easy to say, “I am sorry.” I am sure we all say it ten-plus times a day. A meaningful and authentic apology to a co-parent or child needs to have actions that follow the apology for one to believe it is genuinely authentic.
Here are a few tips for offering a meaningful apology:
1. Be Specific and Honest
For instance, if you were late for a pick-up, you could say, "I'm sorry I was late for the pick-up. I understand it may have inconvenienced you." This shows that you understand the impact of your actions and are willing to take responsibility for them. Saying "I'm sorry for everything" is a universal statement that does not get to the root of the reason for the apology. Think about what you want to apologize for, and be specific—being specific about why and what you are apologizing for will demonstrate that you know the potential negative impact it has had on the person. We can change “I am sorry for everything” to “I am sorry about what I said to you at drop off. I apologize if that hurt you.” The power of the apology can heal you and the person you are raising children with, and even better if your children can witness the apology.
2. Avoid Defensiveness
We all like to defend our actions; it is part of human nature, but it can be highly invalidating for your co-parent. The main focus of the apology is to take ownership of the conversation or event and apologize for your actions. You can keep it simple, but the main objective is to make it all about your co-parents.
3. Take Responsibility
Ownership is a core tenet of an apology. Without ownership, the apology will have minimal impact. Avoid language like, “I am sorry if you felt upset,” or “I am sorry, but.” There is no place for a but in a sincere and authentic apology. While the conversation or event may have been unintentional, it may have caused hurt feelings. Own the apology and acknowledge it may have caused distress for your co-parent.
4. Commit to Change
The sign of a genuine apology is an honest effort to work at changing our behaviors in the future. The goal of the changed behavior can be to demonstrate wanting to handle conflict better in the future, working on communication, or using more child-focused language; a commitment will demonstrate that you want to change and improve your co-parenting relationship.
5. Be Ready to Forgive
The hard part is done, and you have apologized. Are you open to receiving one back? Forgiving someone does not mean you are weak or overlooking years of hurt and pain. Forgiving someone is brave and lets you let go of old and painful resentments. Apologies are so powerful, and they can change the dynamics in relationships that are full of conflict. It can improve your co-parenting relationship and make all the difference in the world for your children.
The Transformative Power of Apologies
Divorce and co-parenting can be complicated, emotionally charged, and can feel like a never-ending journey. A tangible skill to break down some of the proverbial emotional walls can be an apology. Apologies build little bridges of healthy and positive communication and can offer hope in a sometimes dire situation. Apologies demonstrate personal growth the strength of being vulnerable and admitting mistakes, and they can work to rebuild a damaged foundation. The children are always watching, and they see and feel it all. Apologies are gifts to your children and the first step in changing behaviors and working towards healthy co-parenting. I encourage you to offer an apology-give yourself and your co-parent the gift of a new path forward, and I know your children will thank you for it.
